


kitchen Improvisation number one for hungry tenants

by painting



Series: c cameron miller [6]
Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 16:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14312829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/painting/pseuds/painting
Summary: I really hope nobody comments on this article because this isn’t my website and it would make me feel like such an asshole for having a popular article on somebody else’s blog. NOTE: To Chelsea: Chelsea are you reading my post? Or are you just posting them as they get submitted? If you are I’m sorry for implying that my fantastic recipe might bring up more of a fanbase than the rest of your entire year’s work of a foodie journalist or whatever it is that you do (I actually forgot, it’s been a while, I’m sorry, let’s get lunch, but you have to feature our lunch and me on this very website again if we do), but I’ve really got a winner here that I think all of you readers and commenters and creatives are going to love.





	kitchen Improvisation number one for hungry tenants

I really hope nobody comments on this article because this isn’t my website and it would make me feel like such an asshole for having a popular article on somebody else’s blog. NOTE: To Chelsea: Chelsea are you reading my post? Or are you just posting them as they get submitted? If you are I’m sorry for implying that my fantastic recipe might bring up more of a fanbase than the rest of your entire year’s work of a foodie journalist or whatever it is that you do (I actually forgot, it’s been a while, I’m sorry, let’s get lunch, but you have to feature our lunch and me on this very website again if we do), but I’ve really got a winner here that I think all of you readers and commenters and creatives are going to love.

My toaster broke last week. I didn’t do anything weird to it to make it break. I shouted at it once or twice WHILE it was breaking, but it was already far gone at that point. Have you ever tried to microwave a frozen waffle? It’s not the same. It’s terrible. I eat my waffles cold every morning now. But I'm not asking for your pity, because here’s where things can start getting fun! Here’s where the fun starts. If you’re one of those without a microwave OR a toaster OR an oven AND you don’t have any heat or fire or electric abilities, first of all your insides must be freezing, and secondly I can help you heat up your bread the old fashioned way by channeling our ancestors and no I don’t mean that literally.

Do you have a stove? A radiator? A hot plate? That’s step one. Turn it up, up, up, all the way up, perfect, perfect, is it all the way up? Chelsea are you still reading this? I know you have a full kitchen so this part isn’t for you. For everyone else, grab a bowl and fill it up with water. Hot. Hotter. Hot water from the tap. When it’s full, put it on your heat source and hang on.

Step two! What are we making again? I mentioned waffles before, but I made that up because I don’t think I’ve bought frozen waffles in a long time. Perfect for this though. Are you ready for step two? You might be a little shocked but I went to a really prestigious school so you can trust anything and everything that I’m about to tell you. Here it comes. Step number two: dip the waffle into the water.

I know! I know I know I know I know I know but trust me.

Are we making waffle soup? No! We’re making something much better. It’s called something that I haven’t even thought of yet. I’m working on it. Sorry Chelsea. You still there? While I do that, let me tell you about what else you should add into the water.

Cream. Sugar. Brown sugar. Cane sugar? Cinnamon. Nutmeg, if you like it. If you don’t like it, that’s alright, put something else in there. Honey? Something sweet. Add in something sweet and then a dash of something sweeter, and keep going until your waffle is hot and bloated. Take it out of the bowl. It may have fallen apart because something about the integrity of that kind of carbohydrate (I’m not a science guy, bear with me for a sec, trust me) becomes absolutely obliterated when it gets wet. That’s okay. Pick up the pieces with a spoon or some chopsticks. Not your hands, unless you have some way to heal burns, because you WILL burn them otherwise, and then I’m the dick who went around telling people to stick their hands in a pot of boiling water on the internet.

So, by now I assume you’ve got something absolutely disgusting on your plate. I hope you did put it onto a plate or something instead of directly on the table where it’s going to collect crumbs from your midnight snack. Either way, it’s gross and soggy and probably syrupy and weird. You don’t want to eat this. I don’t want to eat this. Nobody wants to eat this. Maybe we should have turned on the broiler and toasted it that way, but it’s too late for that now. We’re all in. So here’s step number three.

Throw it in the garbage! 

Buy a toaster! 

Oh, just buy a toaster. 

Oh my god, buy a toaster. Are you guys serious? They cost, like, ten dollars. Steal one if you want, and learn your lesson! Stop reading Chelsea’s blog! None of the recipes on here are exclusive to the website, and Chelsea has been spreading weird weird WEIRD rumors about Creole witchcraft and the way spiritual rituals work in the American South and she and I got into an editing war on Witchipedia last week and it turns out that she has no idea how to make a password that an internet stranger couldn’t guess, but I’m not angry or excited or vindictive enough right now to do anything else about it. Have there ever been any guest writers on this blog? Is it popular? Did you guys believe me? I wonder how long this post will stay up.

My toaster really did break, and I’m kind of mad about that, but I didn’t mean anything else I said. Sorry to pull all of your legs. Not sorry about pranking the webmaster. See you soon but online. Your move, Chelsea.

CCMiller


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